Pathways to Potential Part 4

Answer:
Let's tackle this question in two steps. First, we’ll explore whatnot to do and why.
Screaming or harshly criticizing your son’s behavior can backfire. Attention,even negative attention, often reinforces behaviors. Subconsciously, your sonmight repeat the behavior to get a reaction. Negative behaviors are like weeds—ifyou water them, they’ll grow bigger and wilder.
So, what should you do? My Hands Full program offers two relatedstrategies you can implement when your son clashes with his siblings. Thesetools empower children to self-regulate, reducing the need for constantparental intervention. Here's a closer look at each strategy.

Try INB and SWC

A cornerstone of the Hands Full program is the Ignore NegativeBehaviors (INB) strategy, paired with Separate Without Comment (SWC). To graspthe essence of INB, consider the following analogy:

You’re hosting important guests and prepared an elaborate mealculminating in a triple-layer ice cream dessert. While serving the main course,the dessert slipped your mind. When the main course was finished, you found theice cream too solid to slice properly. But your guests were waiting, so you exertedintense pressure on the knife, which gave you uneven, jagged portions.

You make a mental note that next time, you’ll remove the ice creamfrom the freezer earlier so it can defrost slightly, allowing you to cut smoothslices easily.

Children’s negative behaviors can be compared to the triple-layerice cream, solidified over years by consistent negative reinforcement,including screaming, punishment, or lectures. After five or six years of thisreinforcement, the behaviors are frozen and resistant. When parents resort toforceful measures to address these “frozen” behaviors, the results are oftenrough and jagged, hurting both the child and the parent-child relationship.

However, if a parent is wise enough to adopt the INB strategy—akinto leaving the ice cream to thaw naturally on the counter—these challengingbehaviors begin to “melt.” This approach allows for applying gentle, effectivetechniques to shape desired behaviors smoothly without the damage of forcefulintervention.

The INB and SWC phase is a temporary but crucial step to softenthese hardened behaviors. At the end of this phase, some behaviors will havedissolved entirely, requiring no further action, while others become pliableenough for positive strategies to reshape them effectively.

Stick to the Process

Sometimes, while we’re working on “defrosting” our children’snegative behaviors, well-meaning friends and relatives inadvertently reinforcethese behaviors. They might do so by giving the behaviors attention orsuggesting corrective measures within the child’s earshot.

In such instances, it's crucial to trust your instincts and stickto the INB and SWC strategies. Gently deflect unsolicited advice and maintainyour focus on ignoring negative behaviors unless they pose a safety risk. It's unnecessaryto inform children of this approach in advance; they'll notice the lack ofreaction to negative behaviors, even when others respond.

Negative behaviors are actions that intentionally orunintentionally irritate or harm another person or damage an object. Althoughthe reason why negative behaviors occur is sometimes significant, it need notneed affect the way we react to and deal with them. The focus is on theconsistent application of planned ignoring, a strategy that withdraws attentionfrom behaviors used to gain attention.

Maintaining composure and ignoring challenging behaviors is bestdescribed as the trait of hishtavus, as outlined in Chovos Halevovos.The root of the Hebrew word hishtavus is shoveh, which meansequal or equivalent, and refers to the ability to maintain equilibrium whenfaced with unpredictable events.

Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l emphasized middas hishtavus ascritical to empower a person to trust his objective reasoning (seichel).Without this equilibrium, emotions can overpower logic, clouding judgment anddecision-making.

This is particularly relevant in parenting, where emotionalinvolvement is intense. While parenting inherently involves a deep well of loveand devotion, parents must express these emotions primarily in positive interactions.In the face of negative behaviors, remaining unfazed and impartial helps ensuredecisions are guided by clarity and thoughtfulness.

Ignoring negative behaviors also keeps much of the verbalnegativity out of parenting. By avoiding negative comments when childrenmisbehave, we build positive relationships with them and allow them to develophealthy self-esteem.

Understanding the difference between ignoring the child’s behaviorsand ignoring the child is crucial. Ignoring a behavior means that you remainunfazed while the negative behaviors occur. It does not mean to ignore thechild completely.

For instance, while helping Danny with homework, he began throwingsoft-covered books off the couch each time he read a word, likely as adiversion from homework stress. Opting to ignore this behavior—given that itposed no harm—allowed the focus to remain on the homework without reinforcingthe negative action. This approach doesn't ignore Danny as a person; itselectively overlooks the misbehavior.

SWC  

The second strategy applicable in this situation is called SeparateWithout Comment, or SWC.

SWC empowers parents to halt negative behaviors withoutinadvertently reinforcing them. It requires calmly and silently separating thechild from the situation, which prompts negative behavior. This is done withoutengaging in any form of communication, verbal or nonverbal.

This approach might seem counterintuitive and unproductive, as theparental instinct often drives us to correct behavior by verbally instructingchildren what not to do. We may wonder: what’s wrong with separating them whilealso verbally explaining what’s wrong?

To answer this question, try this simple mental exercise: Closeyour eyes and imagine your greatest dream. What if you were told that if youremain focused on this dream for sixty seconds, it will materialize? However,you must not think about a pink elephant during those sixty seconds. You canthink about anything else, but not a pink elephant. Ready, set…go!

As you probably discovered, this exercise is difficult. Although werarely think of pink elephants, the instruction not to think about one makes italmost impossible not to. The brain converts verbal instructions into mentalimages that persist and resurface whenever reminded of the subject.

As a friend recently shared: “Last week, my sister excitedly toldme she’d just purchased a new green minivan. While I’m not particularlyinterested in cars and never notice what’s beside me on the road, once she toldme this, I began noticing every green minivan!”

Similarly, telling a child not to do a particular action oftenresults in the opposite effect. The verbal prohibition embeds the action in thechild's mind, leading them to revisit the behavior repeatedly over days or evenweeks.

In Practice

Let’s return to the question regarding managing a six-year-oldchild with high-functioning ASD who frequently disturbs his siblings. How canwe effectively apply the principles of Ignore Negative Behaviors (INB) andSeparate Without Comment (SWC) to this situation?

First, assess each incident to determine if it's ignorable. Minordisruptions, such as taking a toy, sitting in a sibling's place, or givinglight taps—actions that are bothersome but not aggressive—should be ignored(INB). It's important not to focus too much on fairness at this point; toleratingsituations that aren’t entirely fair is a valuable learning process forchildren.

For behaviors that cannot be ignored due to their aggressivenature—like hitting, kicking, pushing, or biting—employ the SWC strategy. Thisinvolves separating the involved children from each other without saying asingle word.  Allow the act ofseparation to convey the message.

It's crucial to understand that SWC isn’t an instant solution but aprocess. For a child with ASD, it might take hundreds of SWCs, done consistentlyand calmly.

For children developing typically, I predict that to see results,it will take at least six consecutive weeks – roughly 40 days, which is what RavElimelech of Lizensk tells us is the shortest amount of time necessary tochange a trait. For a child with ASD, you need to add at least another threeweeks. This requires patience and commitment from both parents.

To sum up the approach: Maintain your composure and manage yourreactions. The key is to remain calm and not show negative emotions. Realizethat this is a process.

When deciding how to respond to your child's behavior, askyourself: Can this behavior be overlooked? If yes, then apply Ignore NegativeBehaviors (INB). If the behavior is too disruptive or harmful to ignore,Separate Without Comment (SWC).

The common thread between INB and SWC is the emphasis on silence—noverbal admonishments, lectures, threats, or bribes. This strategy is aboutgiving your child the space to observe your behavior, connect the dots, and self-regulatehis behavior over time. And that is an invaluable gift.